It is very sad that people realize how important things are after they are gone. I had a nightmare last night and it was unbearably horrible. Someone with whom I did everything, someone who was always there for me, but someone whose value I took for granted, died. He was not a real person, but I knew for some reason that he was a very important person to me. He had an image of a giant monster. I remember his features vaguely, but the feelings seem so near as if I can touch them. When he died because of me, I couldn't resist but crying out loud. It suddenly struck me how fragile and meaningless I am without him. If only I could go back time...

Cherish your friends, the moments you spend with them. Once they are gone, you will be empty in heart and soul.

I thought I was alright now. I thought I wasn't timid anymore. I thought I had everything figured out, and the shy little me has disappeared. I thought I expressed my thoughts and feelings as much as I wanted. But I realized I was wrong. The shy girl whom I used to be, or thought I used to be, was still here within me, dominating most of my thoughts and behaviors. I still cared how others thought about me. I still got hurt easily. I still was not confident. I just got better at hiding it, that's all. Yes, I do express my feelings more often, I say what I think, but only those things that I know are appropriate, that everyone would like, that wouldn't make me stand out, isolated. I just always wanted to be part of the group. I still don't know how to act when someone compliments me. I still don't know what to do when someone hurts me. I am still the person I used to be. I thought I was confident now. But I never really was. Still, confidence is what I need the most. I cannot blame anyone for that. Even though someone or the environment may have shaped my personality, the power of being able to change is always within me.

A scene from 'Adventureland'

Hey there. Last time I wrote here, I was quite angry and emotional. I couldn't control myself and had to just write whatever was on my mind, since there was no one I can talk to about it. Just in case you want to know, everything is under control now -at least I would like to think so- and I am quite calmed down. I mean I have to be calmed by now, since it was what more than a week ago?

These days I am studying for my finals. I have five exams this week and next week. They are not terribly difficult, just a little challenging. If I spend some time studying for each subject, I will be fine. I feel that my French has improved a lot, compared to when I first came here. I was hopelessly lost and felt like a total idiot, not understanding a thing what others were saying. Still I smile at whatever I don't understand, but I do understand a lot now. Even when I was listening to the radio this morning, I could understand what they were talking about, which was about the new French president, Francois Holllande, who is going to go to have a meeting with other European leaders to discuss about Greece's current financial situation. So, school will be over very soon, actually in two weeks. If I were at high school, I would be jumping up and down with joy and excitement, but now I am not actually in a 'school,' I am not as excited as I might have been. I need to figure out what I am going to do for summer, and afterwards as well. I guess I will try to work in summer, but the thing is, it seems to be so hard to find jobs, since I don't speak very good French. I will have to look into that. After summer I think I will continue study French in Sorbonne. Maybe I will try to apply to other language schools if there is any good ones.

Anyway, I recently started to watch all the movies in which Kristen Stewart play, except, of course, for Twilight series. I am sorry, but I really don't get it. I think it's just lame. All it does is provoking false fantasy of some weird vampires. Teenage girls develop ridiculous ideas about supernatural creatures, which I believe don't exist. But her other movies are great. Her acting is great, the stories are touching. I first saw her in a movie 'Speak,' and was surprised by how well she acted. Then there are other movies like 'The Cake Eaters,' 'Adventureland,' and 'Welcome to the Rileys.' She seems to  be assigned to play as a bit dark characters. She coveys the emotions well, and maybe that is why? I made a list of her movies that I want to watch, and have already watched. I am going to check all the list maybe by the end of July. 5 down, 8 to go, so good luck for me.

The weather has been incredibly perfect for staying at home and study, that is to say, shitty. People in other countries all seem to be wearing shorts and short sleeves by now, but not in Paris. Let's take today, in the morning when I woke up, I saw blue sky, but now it's as milky and depressing as it can be. It looks like it is going to pour soon, but maybe it won't. I hope it gets better by the time my exams are over. Can't wait for a long sunny day.

I fucking hate this. Why can't I stay friends with my friend after he gets a girlfriend? Or is he just ignoring me? I really hate to think so. He is my best guy friend. At least I thought so. Maybe he didn't think the same as me. He's become a fucking asshole. Never talks to me and when I talked to him after such a long time, he's 'i'm busy'ing me and ignoring me. What the hell. I've been being thoughtful and not text him every single time or skype with him every single time since he got a girlfriend. We used to talk so much and were so close. I hate it really why would this happen? Why would he change like that? I almost called him a fucking asshole too. I hate this. Why does this have to happen? Why can't girls and boys be just friends? Yesterday too, why couldn't he get his face off of mine? Why couldn't we be just friends? He was cool at first and all but all he thought about was fucking me. I really fucking hate his. I know I have to understand guys are always like this, they cannot help it, but why can't we be just friends? I thought it was easier to be friends with guys once they get a girlfriend. But I guess I am wrong again. Seriously, fuck this.

Ha- I have changed the background and some of the outlines of Mr.D today! It seems quite nice with all the flowers and fresh grass and of course, the sky. This is how I want the weather to be here in Paris. It keeps raining and raining... I heard that it rains the whole month in April, so I just kept waiting for it to end. Now that it is May, I thought that it would be so much better. Oh but no. It's still so cold that I have to wear coats and even scarves. Anyway, I will stop whining about how bad it is. It won't change anything, would it.

I met all my classmates today for the first time after the long long vacances. Everyone seemed to be in great shape, though most of them had hard time getting used to studying French everyday. To be honest, I am quite glad to be back to class, since I felt so useless and lazy during the holiday. I really didn't do anything that productive- just watching movies and occasionally doing grammar exercises, c'est tout. If I want to master French as soon as possible, then I would have to be more enthusiastic about learning it. I hate it when I can see that I am lazy.

I really don't have anything to say- I wrote this just to say that I have changed the background. Now then I will just go shower and get ready to sleep. Wish I ride on a unicorn in my dream tonight.

xx

Liz

I often think, what if the world ends and all the people who has made come true the new technologies we enjoy today? I mean not even the new technologies like iPhone, just take a radio. Ask around, see if how many people know how to make a radio by themselves? So, let's say there is a catastrophe and all these engineers die and only people with no knowledge of any of these inventions survive. Then we will have to go back to whatever we started from, won't we? We wouldn't have anything to make fire, so we might use some stones or tree branches to light a fire; we wouldn't have mobile phones or internet to communicate with others so we might start writing letters. Oh but think about it, we might not even know how to make papers because we are used to buying them at stationary stores. This is why sometimes I get afraid of all the new technologies. They come out, and people master how to use it, not how to make it, and enjoy their new life with high-tech. But this is just making people stupid and more and more reliable to everything the scientists or engineers have created. If they are gone, we can be a baby kangaroo who just came out of the mother's pocket, not knowing anything or what to do without it. I feel we need to educate ourselves, not wasting time and money on useless things.