i'm not okay. i miss you too much. everything else except spending time with you seems useless and pointless. i lost interest in everything else but you. nothing seems to come into my mind. the more time i spend with you, the more i want to be with you. this is insane. it doesn't make sense. i'm so confused. i wish i could just stop thinking about you. i wish this will all end somehow. but i cannot possibly make myself to imagine being separated from you, leaving you, not being with you. it's unbearable. the thought makes me go crazy. i even want to take drugs to just to be able to concentrate on my studies and other stuff. i am willing to do anything. i want to tell you how i feel. but i am afraid that will push you away from me. and that is the last fucking thing i want in this life. when i looked into your eyes i wanted tell you i love you, and how much it hurts not to express it. but then i stopped myself. i thought about all the responsibilities that i might have after those three words. what if my feelings change? like it always has been? i really don't think it will happen, but what if it does? you never know. but also i was afraid that i wouldn't hear those three words back. i was too scared. like you tell me. i'm always scared. it's time that i need to be brave once in my lifetime. i should at least be able to express my feelings to you. you, the one i care the most, the one i would never want to lose. nothing or no one seems to matter. cute guys talking to me, flirting with me, or seducing me interest me less than your cut toenail. i used to be different. i used to flirt with other guys even when i was in a relationship. i didn't care about keeping any relationships before. i think i am being punished for doing so. i think i really have met someone, i have met you, who can change my whole life. i believe, and i am sure that, you are the one. i hope you can read my mind when i look straight to your eyes, and know what i have been wanting to tell you for a while. i love you.

The story of The Velvet Underground & Nico and the 'miracle'

I am sitting in front of my desk, thinking about what I should do tomorrow, listening to a recently-discovered awesome band called The Velvet Underground (well actually not really recent since one of their songs was the soundtrack of JUNO), and once again embracing the miracle (?) that happened to me yesterday. 

Yes, actually I am here to talk about the 'miracle.' It can be a little boring but it marked a quite important history in my life so I will have to talk about it. 

When I first arrived in France in this January, I did not know any French except Bonjour and Merci. I started my French course at the Sorbonne in February as A1 student. (the levels are A1, A2, B1, B2, C1, C2. and obviously A1 is the most basic one). When the course first started I had no idea what the professors were talking about. I had to always ask around and with my guessing skills, figure out what they were saying. After three months, I finished my course and got a A1 certificate. 

During the summer this year, I spent some time working on myself on French at home. I always talked with the family I live with in French and watched some TV shows in French. Then September arrived. The month of registration. The month of French level test. The month that can determine my academic life for next few years. 

I arrived at the center early in the morning, quite nervous. I had to write two essays in 30 minutes then there was listening and answering questions and finally oral exam. I was quite confident when I finished but still quite anxious since I had to get at least B1 or luckily B2 to apply to university. 

Yesterday the result came out. I arrived an hour earlier than the time the result was supposed to be posted on the bulletin board, for I had no idea when it was going to come out. I was waiting there with a girl when suddenly a staff came up to us asking if we were there for the result. We said yes and she told us to follow her so that she could show us the result before the others arrived. We followed and I found out that I had got B2 on the exam. I was ecstatic! With B2, I could apply to university right away. Then the staff told me something more surprising: that I could maybe talk to the director and ask if I can go study in C1 class. I couldn't wait to go talk to her and after waiting patiently for my turn, finally got to sit in front of her desk, asking the question I wanted the answer to be a big YES. 

At first, she looked at me and said, the staff just can't tell everyone that they could change the class like this. She didn't look that satisfied. But she asked for my name to look for my test in the stack. When she found it and read my essays again, her complexion changed a little and said, 'oh you were the student.' Then she preceded skimming through the essay and wrote down a huge C1 on the top of the page. She asked me if I already had the certificate of B2, and I told her that I had only A1 right now but I studied by myself during summer. She became completely positive and welcoming, saying that there should be more students like me. 

So the miracle is that I got to the level of C1 in half a year of studying French (I would just apply for master's if I had bachelor's now). I really didn't expect it at all. But well, I got it. Yes, I am bragging here but it's something that truly made me happy. Oh the days I couldn't understand a thing and felt so left out and miserable... Now it's gone. I can communicate with people in French! 

So people, don't give up, keep trying. There's nothing you can't do if you try your best!

xx

Liz   

My great apologies to recently discovered title line.

It's a morning. A beautiful one, that is. My hair is so messy that I cannot bear my looks in the mirror, but one and a half cups of fresh cold water makes me feel awake. These days I feel like I am living my life to the fullest. I am busy doing things that I have to all day long and I don't usually waste my time. I can sleep well because the whole day, I'm going around the town running errands and become exhausted by night. I don't have too much spare time to worry and think about my problems but enough time to relax myself. It just feels right.

Today and tomorrow will be busy days. So here are the things I will be doing today:

- calling translators
- buying a gift box
- going to Cité Universitaire
- shopping
- grocery shopping
- going out for a drink

And tomorrow, my day will be pretty much organizing a picnic at a beautiful park a little outside of Paris and then cooking for the family at home.

The weather definitely is getting cold nowadays. I don't really like the fact that the weather of short days and long cold nights is coming but I secretly like the coolness of the wind on my skin. I should be careful not to catch a cold (and you should be too!).

These days I am thinking about an old friend whom I don't talk to anymore. Because of some personal reasons he doesn't want me to talk to him for a while. That has been almost three months. My life certainly is weird without him. I used to tell him everything whenever I wanted and we used to skype for long hours talking about nonsense bullshit. He was a one true friend who basically was my college life. We would go to libraries together, sitting on the floor doing work. Whenever I called or he called me, we were both up to do anything either of us suggested. He was the friend I did my great college adventures with, the one who didn't let me do stupid things alone, but together. But now that he is not really in my life, it seems like a part of it is missing. I walk on the streets and see something and often think that he might have liked that too or he would have said these things. It truly is sad and I really hope that we could talk again someday.

So here is to a great friendship.

xx

Liz


* click pictures to see the originals :)

I feel pathetic. I cannot concentrate, I cannot do any of the work successfully. I just want to be with him and do nothing and think about nothing. I really have become so lazy. What am I supposed to do to fix this hideous illness? I have no clue. I have an important exam tomorrow so I have come home to study for it but all I can do is just thinking about him and thinking about the next time I will be with him. Can this be love? If it is, I really am disappointed. I thought it was something beautiful, something that makes you always happy. But this, whatever this is, is far from that definition. I don't even know if it is right. It has to stop. I hate him for causing all these troubles. My life was so much simpler and easier when he wasn't there. But I cannot imagine any more days without him. I never regret meeting him and being with him. I think I need some time on my own. I cannot just rely on him the whole time. I have to think rationally. I hope it will go away soon..

I'm sitting in front of my desk, with a pile of French grammar reading to do, listening to my colocataires watching Harry Potter movie next room, and thinking about my life. I am depressed. I'm not so sure why. I just want to cuddle with him and forget about everything I am going through.

I'm watching gossip girl nowadays. I know it's just a chick-flick and high-teen TV show. I don't usually watch this kind of series but so many people were talking about it so I started to watch it, since you cannot say you don't like it unless you have watched it. Turns out, it's a good series to clear one's head and just dream about ludicrous life. And another surprising thing is that I could relate to something I watched today. Lilly was getting married to Rufus and she started to panic because she couldn't write her vows since the two of them had different point of views of raising their kids and the future. But that was only an excuse. She was actually afraid of starting a marriage with him because he was not like the other ex-husbands she had; she actually loved Rufus. She was afraid that if she makes her vows to him then there is a possibility that she would get heartbroken. Other husbands were easy to marry and to divorce. There was no tears or heartbrokeness. But in the end, she did get married and was truly happy. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am scared, just like Lily. I know it is quite early to say this but actually I have this feeling that I am falling for him. He certainly is different from other boyfriends I had. They were easy to date, easy to be separated, and easy to get over. But it seems that this guy can really hurt me. Maybe that's why I don't want to show myself to him entirely. I keep avoiding talking about important things with him. When these things come up I just try to avoid it because I am scared. I am still not sure if I should face them. To be honest, sometimes I am uncertain if I like him only physically. But then again, I would have just picked anyone. This guy is really extraordinary for me. I hope I am for him too.

xx

Liz